my december

this is only mine!

A snowy night........

Started off the night at a friends place, nice little cozy adda. Some yummy food and drinks. Then off to our battle of cricket 2007. Haha, apparently even after not playing for so long I still rock. So, kicked the shit out of them in all the matches. Then started our endless mission to beat Ac Milan in the hardest level of FIFA 2008. Oh man, it was a damn good time with all the cursing and yelling at each other for wrong passes and wrong shots. Literally beat up the friend who was dealing the defense coz he wasn't serious at first. lol! Then finally a good team play paid off as we held on to the lead in the final match of a 3-2 goals win.


Then as I realized it was super late, I looked outside and all I could see is a white moving wall. Oh ya, it was snowing cats n dogs. Even more then that. I didn't know about the snow storm warning as I didn't get to check in the morning. Friends were telling me over n over not to go in such storm. But My own sweet sexy bed at home was calling me with such thrilling seductive voice. So I told them, no dude. I'm gone. I will fight the storm tonight. So off I go down hoping I can call in a cab, foolish me. It was blinding white blizzard goin on outside. No taxi company had their call center line free. SO what to do, lit up the ciggy and smoked till my whole body was literally covered with snow. So off I went to the road shaking off the initial snow from my shoulders n head. Started waling, no Taxi anywhere to be seen. It was awesome. it was brilliant. I never thought it'd be so much fun walking down the roads at 3:30 in the night with havoc type snow storm on the head.


So I kept on walking and came to the Tim Hortons coffee shop where me n my friends used to come at 2/3/4/5 in the night/morning just to drink cofee/choc. Went in and bought a cup of hot chocolate. Saw the Bangladeshi girl working there just like other nights. So took the hot choco from her and asked her...accha, bangali meye ra erokom mood dekhai keno deshi chele dekhle? Problem ta ki? She was puzzled to be asked such strange question at the middle of the night from me. It was 100 % worth it to see her puzzled face. She replied after a while, "I don't know". I shrugged my shoulders said goodnite to her and walked out. Lit another ciggy and took sips from the hot chocolate. It felt good, damn good as the hot liquid rolled down my throat and started warming up my body inside while the outside part of my body were still frozen. Then I continued my long journey back to home in the most bizzare and fun snow storm I have ever been in. The foot was going down through the layer of snow, down to 5-7 inches. Oh ya, it was a whole lot of snow I had to walk over; in the 10 blocks I walked back to my place. But was it fun? Oh hell ya....it was an amazing feeling.


Some may call it craziness, I call it life. This is the beauty of single life. You can do the craziest shit while there is none to object. No one to be concerned or angry! :D


Met couple of interesting chiria on the way. Lol! They were funny. Sat down beside the road on the snow, talked & laughed with them for a while over the crazy snow, weather and life. Then took off from there as it was very Hot at that moment ( (yn) ). lols! Reached home at about 4:25. One fun n interesting night coming to an end. Now finishing off this scrap before submitting myself to my sesky bed & my lovely kol balish.


Life is fun I guess, if you know where to look. (i)

Her..........

I dream of her!
"Who? Do you know her, have you seen her?"
No! "Then?" Then what? I just dream! There are no bindings in dream, is there? You are free to dream.

"Well, Just because you can dream doesn't mean you have to become insane about some unknown girl." Who told you she is unknown? I know her. "How? You just said you don't know her."
Umm, I don't know her in real life, but I know how she is.
"Do you think you make any sense?" Do you think I care?
"Shouldn't you? I mean you dream of this girl you haven't met, you haven't seen, you don't even know how she looks....then how the hell can you dream of her?"
I know how she looks, alright? "Okay fine tell me about her then."
Mmmmm, she is a simple girl, has no extra feature in her. She has dimples in her cheek, black smooth long hair playing behind her. As the gentle breeze sweeps by you can almost smell the sweet fragrance of her hair! "And?"
What do you mean and? If you wanna hear more then......the most beautiful part of her is her eyes. Gentle dreamy eyes. You can just look into them and be lost within. The calm and quiet eyes that glitter with questions at times. At times they smile, at times they cry. She talks in a quiet voice, when you hear it you can almost feel sweet music ringling in your ears.
She has a strength hidden under that weak structure of hers. She spreads her wings around you when you are down. She sits and looks into your eyes....pouring out the love from her heart when you are broken n hurt. "Yeah yeah, w/e!"
At times when she is sad and sits at the balcony by herself looking up at the moon & when you see that you can feel your heart being ripped apart by pain. Why is she sad? How can I comfort her? How can I tell her how painful it is to see her in such a depressed state? "Yo, you are really being so dramatic."
When I see her lying on the bed next to me and see her in the shadowy darkness I feel blessed to have her with me, to have her love, to be the one to love her. "And I thought you didn't even see her! Duhhh me! Okay nuff fooling me! Who is she, someone you met at school?"
Each time she flicks that sweet smile of hers at me I feel Pain! Terrible pain in my chest! "You have high blood pressure." Its not a pain of sorrow, rather its a pain caused by extreme joy. Ek odbhut sukhokor betha! I just can't explain.
When I take a walk with her in the moon lit night in between the trees I feel I'm lost into another world of tranquil serenity. "You Are really lost man, you are saying the same word twice."
When we sit at our balcony on a rainy day with a cup of hot chocolate and watch the rain drops, hand in hand do you know how I feel? "How?"
I feel as if I am not alive. I feel as if I am dreaming. "Hold on a sec....I thought we WERE talking about a dream, no?"
We are! Its a dream within a dream. "Whoaa? So what happens next?"
Nothing much! We sit at the top of the hill sometimes in the evening.....as the sun goes down we feel something deep inside us, something we cannot explain, we sit together so close, but still a mysterious depression towers over us. Maybe it's the nature, maybe this is how it is when night falls.
"Alright man, thats it, I know what you need. You need a Doc. Seriously dude I just don't get what the hell you are talking about! I don't understand!"

*silence.............

Trust me my friend, you never will.

A queer & beautiful night..............

Only two or three rays of light can be seen. One of them goes out too. Its very dark & quiet inside, no other sound then the hum of the engine. Most of them are asleep I guess? Or maybe not. Well, who cares anyway!

If you try to feel it then you can understand that we are running at 100 Km/hr. I look outside....nothing comes to my sight except for a blur and coal black night. Once in a while you can see one or two lights far away...some barn of a countryside farmhouse. I try to concentrate on the bangla novel in my hand but feel it waste of energy to read in the little light. So I join the others and turn off the light. I look outside as I listen to the songs from one of the latest gadgets that is taking over the world>>iPod! I feel bored. I just lay my head back and enjoy the peaceful silence and serenity.

Then suddenly out of no where peeks out the beauty of the night....the whitish mysterious natural satellite of our beloved planet earth. Ya it is the moon, or you may call it Luna. I look up to it and try to remember all things I have heard about it....the myths. The fairy tales our grandma used to tell about it. The tasteless info's we read about it in our elementary school, everything. They just flow through my head in a flash, but I actually don't even bother to look at them. I was enjoying the present environment more. I keep on staring at the silent infinite beauty of Luna. I don't think I ever spent this much time thinking and watching the moon. Maybe it was the current situation of me not doing anything rather then just sitting there in a relaxed mood.
I sit there and feel my heart beating slowly and steadily, every core of my being was filled with some kinda satisfaction or peace. It couldn't get any better then that. I was in the middle of nowhere, moving at 100 Km/hr with nothing to do, no stress, no thoughts about daily life, no work, nothing at all.

This is when it hits you. When you are all relaxed and enjoying yourself, from no where this unreasonable, unconditional, unsatisfied thought of only one stupid thing pops up in your head. What is it? Oh its that pain in the butt next door. It is called the desire of the heart. I kick it out of my head and look up at the dark sky and the glimmering stars and just say one thing......you should have been here, why did he have to take you away?

Life is too cruel. Thats it, just a moment of old pains buried in the graveyard trying to take advantage of a weak moment. I smack it out of my head and go back to the lovely night. These are moments to cherish....they come once in a while, you can grab it or you can ruin it by holding on to pain and suffer. I chose the first one.

It wasn't long. That one hour just flew away like a flash as the interstate bus came back on the local highway. I loved that one hour journey in the north end highway where there are no lights. As the bus reached its destination ending the 3 hour journey, I came back to the shitty busy city life.


Moral: Some moments are precious, doesn't matter how small it is. Cherish it while it lasts.

Sheer tunes.......................

Songs! Some mere lines being sang with different tunes in each of them. Still it has such great effect on us. For some they are just songs, and for some they are something far more then just being a song. Songs of joy, songs of sorrow, songs of frustration and songs of reformation.

Songs with memories of some queer moments with friends or someone special. Every song represents a different type of vibe to yourself. Some songs remind you of some specific people you heard it with and how beautiful those moments were. Some songs make you remember certain pain you had to bear at the time which you tried to pass away with listening to that song. As to some songs are plainly there for times you were angry and frustrated. I'm sure some of us had our moments of extreme rage when the house blasting metal songs would help to cool down the head, when you only feel like breaking everything away. Well at least I have.

Some songs remind me of specific friends with whom I had shared a moment of joy or maybe a moment of sorrow. Each song has a story behind it. A story from my life. No, I am not talking about all the millions of songs out there. I am talking about the ones I like. Every time I listen to an old song an image comes up in my head of what were the events that went on at that time. About the people I was close to at that moment. About some specific friends and above all, they remind me of different feelings I had while listening to that particular song.

There are also songs that cut out your heart every time you listen to it. Why? Cause it reminds you of deep pain you had to bear. It reminds you of how you wanted to cry but couldn't. Or maybe how those events made you cry. Some of these songs are so painfully beautiful that you cannot bear the memory of sheer pain it brings to you, but you just love that pain/person related to it that you let it flow through you. Some of these songs take us away from ourself as we get lost into another world. You just close your eyes and listen to the beat of the song, the words and the unearthly tune and feel yourself drowning into a pool of cosmic **********.

There are also some songs that help you reform yourself. They give you an unknown amount of energy and support. Sounds funny eh? Haha! It might, but it is true in some of our cases. These songs make you feel better and help you stick with the universal truth..........that is, fuck you all. I am the best and I live my life by myself.

Songs go so deep in our life that in joy we sing out our most favorite song of happiness. In sorrow we turn to our heart soothing songs. In frustrations we turn up the volume and blast our room with metal or rock. In despair we turn to songs that help us reform ourself. So songs are not just mere lines with some oooby dooby tunes. They hold a great part in our life. This is the single most beautiful creation of us the human being, Fucked up Homo sapiens !

Ps: My writing does not apply for stupid fucks who never listens to songs. Nor does it apply for people who don't know how it feels to listen to a song that fills your heart with emotions of all sorts.

Song of the moment: Tu hi mera shab hain

Silence...........part four........

Evan woke up the next morning watching the golden light of the sun seep through the window. Feona wasn't in the bed. He stretched his arms in a lazy motion and got out of the bed. He walked to the kitchen where Feona was making breakfast. He wrapped his arms around her waist resting his chin on her shoulders and looked at her hands as they molded the flour. "I love you" he whispered in her ears. "Now now, don't waste your time, go and take shower. You have to go to work. Did you notice how late it is?" she replied. " I know, but I said something else!" he said with a grin. " I love you too hun. Now hurrrry!" She said showing fake anger. "Alright, alright, I'm going!" he laughed and gave her a small kiss on her neck.

Evan went out the back to the little washroom and filled out the tub and took a quick bath. He returned rubbing his head with a towel and asked her " Why don't you come with me today? I'm sure they need a lot of people at work now." "Naah, the whole house is a mess, I need to clean it up. Do you ever let me do anything at home when you are here?" she laughed. Evan made a kiddish sad face and looked at her just the way the kids do when they are being sent to the elders for their morning lessons. "Oh no, you are not tricking me today. Here is your lunch and off you go. I have tons of work to do." she said giving him a kiss. "Not fair! I have to work all alone the whole day!" he said in childish voice. "Evaaaan, Go baby, It's only a few hours." she replied. "Okay, okay, but I'll be back soon." "Alright hun" she laughed. He got out and started towards the village.


The sun was almost down when he got out of work. 35 silver coins and 5 bonus gold coins he earned today. It's pretty good he thought. He started towards his house. He bought some butter and corn bread from jenny on the way. "Are you guys going to the festival tonight?" she asked. "Maybe, I have to ask Feona first." he said. "How much for that pink scarf?" he asked. "Oh, thats one silver!" "Pretty expensive, eh?" he said. "Good stuff, so higher price" she smiled! "Alright, I'll take that." He replied "Hope to see you guys at the festival Evan, Good evening" "Good evening Jenny" he said as he started running slowly towards his house. She will be happy to see the scarf he thought. It's been a good day so far.

He reached his house pretty soon. Something felt wrong. Where are the lights? Why are the doors open? "Feona? Are you home?" he shouted. "Feonaa?" he said again. He went in the house and saw the big water vase broken. He became alert! What happened here he thought and where is Feona?? Just then a sharp cry ripped through his ears....."Evaaaan! Helpppp!" " Somebody help mee!" A loud scream came to his ears from the beach. The voice was Feona's! His heart started pounding. He dropped Everything on the floor and raced out the door to the beach.

He ran through the bushes and ran through the trees while he tried to hear her voice again. But it was silent. He ran a few steps more and suddenly he tripped over a rope held below. He fell face down on the ground. All he could feel is some strong hands holding him down. "This must be her man" someone said in a broken voice. " Get him" the same voice ordered. Suddenly he felt terrible pain in his knee as someone hit him with a wooden Pipe. He screamed out loud as they hit him again and again. After a while all he could feel is immense pain running through his upper leg, but no reaction from the bottom. They must have broken his legs he thought with fear. " Tie him down" their leader ordered. They tied his hands behind his body. "Bring him to the shore and let him enjoy us taking pleasure with his woman." the tall renegade said again. Noooooo, Feona is in their hands he thought with horror, no one is around either, everyone is gone to the festival. "Feonaaa, runnnn! Run awayyy now!" he screamed at the top of his voice. They came out to the end of the beach where the rest of them were holding her. "Lets be done and get out of here." their leader said in a harsh voice."

Evan watched helplessly as they walked towards her. "Nooooooooo" he screamed. "Evan, help me! Help mee pleasee" she screamed while they ripped off her dress. He opened his mouth to scream again but someone tied a piece of cloth on his mouth tightly. They tore her dress and held her like a animal, they bit her body here and there, they bit her soft flesh over and over. Her screams became a moan of horror and pain. Then they put her down on the ground as their leader stood over her naked holding his big manhood in his hands. "Take a taste of this you filthy btich!" he said as he spitted on her face. She moaned helplessly, tears rolling down her cheek, " Please let us go. Please, I beg you! Please let us go!" He slapped her hard and she only whimpered, unable to respond because of the shock she was in. He towered over her small body and came down with a rapid force. "AAAAAAAAAH" she screamed gasping for breath. Her scream made Evan feel as if someone had dropped hot boiling lead over his ears. His physical pain vanished in the presence of this immense mental pain. His whole heart seemed to explode with pain. He struggled to loosen his hands, the rope only dug deeper, cutting into his hands.

"Evan, please take me home. Please save me Evan! You promised me you would never let me go again. I love you Evan." she whispered over and over almost unconscious by now. These words hit him with such terrible pain, such hatred for all mankind, such shame and sorrow that he just felt numb. He just prayed silently that may her spirit leave her again like the day before so that she can't feel the horrible physical pain, as helpless tears rolled down his face. He looked up at the sky, asking God silently.....WHY? What had she done to deserve such pain? Where was he now?

Feona's moans became lower and lower as the savage beasts raped her over and over, tormenting the soft flesh of her womanhood with such raw force, scratching and biting her body all over. God kill her, take her away please he thought. Let her go away before she bears any more pain he prayed.

Feona whispered in a fainting voice one last time " I love you Evan! I love you!" He just closed his eyes as he couldn't look anymore how they tormented her body.

"Leader, this one don't move anymore. I think she's dead" suddenly said one of the savage beasts. "Ahhh, we all had our pleasure, so leave these bastards here." said their leader. I'd never forget that voice again nor will I forget any of those faces thought Evan with immense hatred. "What about this one?" said one of the renegades pointing to Evan. "He's already half dead! Let him enjoy his dead bit-ch" the leader laughed cruelly. They rode off in their canoes to the west side of the Island once again.

He tried to move, but his legs were numb. He tried to roll over but couldn't go far. He rolled over the sharp little rocks which dug into his body, but he kept on going. Finally he reached Feona's bloody, motionless naked body. He looked at her through the tears. He looked at her beautiful face lying down on the sand so still, so peaceful. His heart seemed to be ripped apart as the pain could not be held in anymore. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" "NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed again only to have his scream stay within his mouth, bound by the cloth. Why? Why he thought again! "You promised me we would die together he said when we are old. You promised you'd never live me alone. You promised you'd sleep in my arms every night. You promised....." he cried. He just tried to kiss her one last time before he fainted. The two torn, wounded and bloody body lied down under a striking full moon till Jonathon found them the next morning.


He sits there silently, listening to the waves.........

There are lots of different kinds of sayings of the villagers of what happened next....Some say he and his friend Jonathon beheaded all those savage renegades one by one and hung their head on his cottage door. Some say he just became numb after recovering from his leg injury and never talked to anyone. He just sits on the rocks and sits there! Everyone feels sorry for him and someone or the other from the village leaves food at his doors whenever they can.

But Evan just sits and stares at nothing......with such pain inside that has no healing, such hatred that has no limits, such loneliness that has no cure.....he just sits and thinks of Feona.....his love....his soul mate.....his wife........all that he had in life......was surrounding her.......her love........and her.....

He just sits there silently, listening to the waves crushing on to the rocks...................



Now this story my friends is to tell you, you should know how lucky you are to have someone you love, who loves you! Unfortunate things might happen in life.......so never let your close ones go away.......keep them close!......for one to know the pain of loosing their love is immense......it has no end it has no line........


With this......I bade farewell to all my friends in Ag.

We shall be friends forever.

Saionara.........

Silence...........part three.......

He watches with horror as he looks at Feona's lifeless body lying on the floor. He walks up to her slowly and falls beside her. He looks at her beautiful face as she lies there motionless, looking just like a nymph in deep sleep. He feels a searing pain in his chest, thinking how can she leave him like this? How?? He sits there wordless, motionless like a stone just staring at her.

Suddenly his heart leaps in the chest as he watches her eyelashes flip twice. She flips eyelashes couple more time before finally opening her eyes. She opens her eyes to see Evan's dazzled face ten inches away. She looks into his eyes and finds the extreme fear and concern in them. "Oh Evan! What happened to me?" she asks. "My head feels so heavy! I remember running into the room, looking for the gun. Then everything just became so blurry and dark!" she says in a whisper.

"Oh, it's nothing hun! You just had your spirit asleep for a while." he says as he kisses her forehead, thanking God silently in his heart. "The renegades are gone, you don't have to worry anymore. Let me take you bed, you need some rest." says Evan.

He lifts her up and carries her to the bed, placing her down gently on the bed. He pulls up the covers to her chin and gives a light kiss on her head. "try to sleep hun. I'll be right back." She grabs his hand and whispers softly " Evan, Please don't leave me alone again!" He pats her hand lightly and says "let me just close the doors and put the locks on & I'll be back in a sec." "Don't worry hun, I'll never let you go again."

He goes around the house and locks all the doors and windows. Then he comes back to the bedroom and slips into bed. She senses him and cuddles into his arms. The wind whistles outside as they drift into deep sleep, exhausted and relieved! Sleeping like a child in each others arms.


To be continued............

Silence...........part two.....

The canoes reach the shore. The intruders leap out of their canoes and land on the sand as quiet as the great cats of the northern woods would. A quarter of the moon comes out of the clouds to make a small portion of the beach visible. It was enough for Evan to see who they were. They were the natives from the Island of the Black row. From their look and Armour he could tell that they were renegades, a rotten part of the natives who were hardly welcome by their own tribe, let alone other tribes.

But what do they want in this Island of the white warrior? Suddenly a cold chill ran down his spine. What are they looking for tonight? Money, food or Women? Where is Feona he thinks with terror! He is not afraid of these renegades but there's just too many of them tonight. For the first time he regrets putting down Jonathon's word to move closer to the village. What was he thinking, he scolds himself. He pushes these thoughts away from his mind and tries to concentrate on what those devils were doing. They were breaking twigs off the little bushes near the west end of the beach, and started a small fire soon. He could smell from this far that they were frying goats. God knows from whom they stole these goats.

He just sits and prays that they don't notice their small cottage at the east end just below the big trees. Suddenly his heart jumps in his chest as he watches one of them pointing towards the place he is hiding. He becomes still, just like the shadow of the tree. He remembers the lessons his grandfather the white eagle taught him about the shadow and invisibility art by being one and all with the nature. He could hear his own heart beating....thud thud thud! He wonders if the sound could be heard all the way down where the renegades were!

But they just sat down and finished their meal silently. Then with relief he watches them bury the remains of the fire in the sand and head towards their canoe. Evan feels his tensed muscles loosen up as he watched them rear their canoes into the water. But hold on!! Why aren't they going back towards their Island on the south-east course? They seem to be going towards the west side of the Island. But that side is full of rocks and low mountains. He shrugs to himself and thinks, who cares as long as they are gone from their area! Then he remembers Feona is alone at the house and God knows what she is doing!

He sprints toward the cottage and opens the door quickly. He calls out loudly "Feonaa!!" "Feonaaaa!" he screams again. No answer. The house seems so quiet. The silence strikes him like a hammer. Where is she? He runs to the bedroom and watches with horror..............


To be continued............

Silence...........

He sits there silently, listening to the waves crushing on to the rocks below him. He sits and looks. But he doesn't see anything! No! He's not blind. Its the salty water in his eyes. They make everything blurry. Is he hurt? Is he sad? Is he happy? Who knows! He just sits there silently, under the blazing sun! He sits ans listens to the whisper. He listens to the whisper of the western wind...whirling around him. Isn't that a laughter? Why does it seem so familiar, who's laughter is that? He tries to listen more attentively. But there's only the wind, whispering so many sounds, so many words in his ears. Still the sound of the laughter remains in his mind..........making him dissolve into his thoughts....thoughts that bring him happiness, thoughts that make him feel, once he was also alive.......



It was full moon. They were lying on the yellowish sands. He had always wondered why they look yellowish under the white rays of the moon. Why not silver or some other colour? He asked Feona, "what do you think, why do they look yellowish?" Feona answered with a giggle; rolling her eyes, "Evan, when are you gonna stop your weird questions and think about me?" She stared at him with those lustrous eyes, playing the notes of invitation! He wasn't the one to back off either. He looked back at her with his blue eyes...almost glittering in the clear night. She turned herself fully towards him and said, "Evan?" "Hmmmm?" he replied. "why do you love me?" she asked. Evan made a thoughtfull face and answered lazily, "I dunno hun! I asked myself the same question, of why my heart starts beating as soon as I see you!" "I know, I'm too beautiful for you".....she said sticking out her tounge! He grabbed her hands and pulled her towards him and said "Oh, really?" "yes" she chuckled. He kissed her, kissed her passionately....making the blood race in her veins! She was inactive for a second, then she responded...with equal force....


The lovers lay there on the beach, where the warm water of the sea tingles their feet. They lay there in happiness, under the bright moon in each others arms.....till.....

"Evan, look! Those lights.....they are coming closer....he rises his body to see.....He sees only some lights.....coming towards the shore in a rapid speed, he looks with a sharp eye.......his senses become alert, "quick" he says. "Run to the house!" "what about you" Feona asks? "Go!" he says again. She starts for the house looking back at him with concern! He stands behind the coconut trees and watches with fear as the lights on the canoes come closer and closer......


To be continued............

Strange foreign beauty................

 The first day at the coaching. My first time out in the independent environment. Went there very early. Didn't know what I was looking forward to. I was a bit tensed, not knowing what is to come. None of my friends were with me. They were all busy for the summer break or went into different classes with other friends. I did feel terrible & very lonely, but it wasn't like me to wait for others. I just thought fu.ck all. I shall go forward on my own.

So as I was saying, I changed my schedule and transferred from another branch into this one. It was early morning, cold and a bit on the chilly side. Entered the premises and felt lost, not knowing where to go so walked up to the managers room and he pointed to the classroom. I went in there, sat down, looked around and there she was! Sitting by herself near the window, deeply lost in some thought . Her smooth long hair playing with the wind, sometimes coming onto her face sometimes flowing back. I sat there quietly, trying not to alert her of my presence in fear of losing this beautiful sight. I sat there watching her through the corner of my eyes and simply appreciated the wonderful view of her sitting by the window with a little shade of sunlight beaming down on the wall behind her. I thought she was lost in to another world, sitting there silently facing the wind. The poor teenage heart o mine missed a beat. Did I know it then? Haha! No! I just felt a tingling sensation in the chest, I didn't understand.

Suddenly she became aware of someone else's presence. She looked around and saw me, I looked back. The four eyes met and locked in. This moment I tell you, engraved itself into my heart for eternity. I looked into her eyes and saw something; a little touch of surprise? A silent picture of pain? A small sparkle? A deep something that I can't explain in mere words? I don't know till this day what it was, but there was definitely something. We took our eyes away from each other. I sat there and kept thinking, what was it in her eye? Some quiet moments followed while It took me great strength to not look at her again. I rarely looked back at any girl in a different way, but her? To me it seemed as if she was the most beautiful creation of nature. Trust me when I say this, It was unarguably the hardest thing to do to not look back at her! I thought I could almost hear my heartbeat and so could she. No, I didn't think I was in love with her right at that moment....like those fancy terms...love at first sight, at least that was totally not in my head at that moment. I just kept thinking about what was happening to me and the events that took place in the last few minutes. The duration was probably only 5 minutes but the events, the sight and the feelings involved surely felt like a life time.

Then some more silent moments passed and I was actually going over the whole sight in my head, Trying to capture the moment in frames so that I don't forget it any time soon. A bit later I thought I heard a heavenly sound of someone speaking to me, I wasn't sure if I heard correctly. But then my brain picked up the words which sounded like: Are you also in Fc-17 or just in for the common classes? I turned back and said yeah, I'm in Fc-17(just a course number) and then introduced myself. The conversation went on as we asked about each other and our background. So I came to know her name, school and some other details. Wow! Her name amazed me. It wasn't a typical name, wasn't anything too extravagant either. But I loved it. We talked on for a bit longer and then as other students started to appear we stopped talking.

Thats it! Thats the day that had changed my life forever. The day I met her. The day two strangers planted the seed of a lifetime friendship that even death couldn't part. A day that I'll remember forever. Ahhhhh, life!

A rainy night................

I have always had this fantasy about rain, night and solitude. Maybe from reading the series Kuasha or something I dun know what actually, but I always picture this Dark rainy night where I walk on an empty street. No one to be seen anywhere near by! Every one has taken their shelter for the night. Yet here I am walking by myself to an unknown destination. I walk alone in the dark night, raindrops making a sweet rhythmic sound all around me. I keep on walking; wet, soaked and satisfied. Satisfied to the very core of myself. I don’t know why I am satisfied, I dun know why I feel so free and one with the nature, but I do. I walk on as memories flash back in my head, memories of pain, and memories of joy. They crowd in my head as I try to shrug them off and concentrate on the silent absolute beauty of this queer night. A night of rain and solitude. 

Did you ever think why rain makes us feel lonely and depressed? Did you ever try to understand the inner meaning of this feeling? This is something much deeper then our life. This is something I search for. Why? I mean why this feeling of loneliness? Why does it affect some of us so much while others dun even know about this feeling? As soon as I see the rain and everything becoming silent except for the rhythmic sound of raindrops I become someone else, my mind seems to float away somewhere far. An unknown feeling towers over me. I feel as if I’m detached from this whole world and my heart feels so empty and thirsty. It feels as if even all the rain drops cannot fill the emptiness within me. I feel the endless search of something I want, except for the fact I do not know what it is that I want. I just know something is out there that I crave for, something that my whole being is eagerly waiting for. Only that I do not know what it is. I also feel the need of someone beside me who’d listen to the sweet jingling sound of the rain with me, who’d feel the same way I do, who’d be there beside me. Someone who doesn’t need to talk to me, someone who can just look into my eyes and understand me and my thoughts. Someone who’d just be there with me holding my hands leaning her head on my shoulder just as if to say, I’m here. Who’d sit beside me and try to solve this endless mystery about the raindrops and the pain that floats through it. 

Many people might say this guy is so stupid and dumb. Look at him whining about these craps. Well, I dun know what to tell them, I mean these feelings are something I feel. I cannot help it. Maybe the person who is laughing doesn’t feel it, but I do! There is a bangla term “Oparthib”, meaning something that doesn’t belong to this world, something much higher then our regular dimensions. I can also call this unknown feeling as Oparthib since it is something I cannot explain………it is something I just feel..…it is..…a raindrop for every tear….

Friends............

As they left the six keys to the apartment on the table and the end credits started rolling, I felt numb. The season finale just left me blank! A feeling so unexpected and unknown. I didn't know it would make me feel this way. It made me feel very happy to see the ones who were meant to be together finally ended up together after 8 long years, but I also felt the emptiness of that room and the severe pain of departing from those friends who are so close to your heart. With whom your have spent a good 10-15 years of your life. With friends whom you shared countless days of laughter, days of sorrow and the queer experiences you've endured together.

It actually comes to you when you sit down quietly on a lazy rainy day and become nostalgic. You may feel this deep unknown emptiness inside you that something is missing, as if you've drifted far far away from something precious. Something you love with your life, something you could never just get over. No! I am not talking about love. Love is just a one way road to a complex world of pain and happiness. This is something totally different. This is about a person and their best friends and the sweetest word on earth which is Friendship. How sad and unfortunate that life gives you something so wonderful and then life itself takes it away as you grow up and the real world kicks in.

As a young child I never really understood the meaning of the song "cofee house er adda" when my mom/elders used to listen to it. But I guess life had a different plan for me. I understood it the hard way. First I was stripped off from my childhood friends to come abroad. I over came that easily as the feeling of friendship wasn't that deep back then. I had moved to Canada. Time went by, but history was on repeat mode. I was sent back home in Grade 7. I missed the little girl I used to hang out with at lunch. Yes it did hurt a little, but I didn't have a lot of friends to cry over. But the last episode of moving back to Canada Hurt. It hurt real bad. It was probably a foolish emotion, but to someone who's life had been built up around these friends, who never had a family life like other normal people, it was a very big blow.....it's one of those things that can't be explained. 

Seeing those six keys lying on the table pricked me in the heart; totally threw me off guard. I miss them. I miss those amazing friends and those unbelievable moments. I had made my choice and left for the road of MY LIFE just like the way they did. Just the way 2 of them moved out of the city, two of them got back together, one happily married and one left the way he was.

On bad days like these we sit down depressed and lonely, knowing not what to do and specially here abroad you sit down in your room, staring blankly at the pc or the Tv or try to drown yourself in alcohol. If none of them works you probably smoke your lungs out! I still get lost when I take a trip down memory lane, when I hear those songs that we rocked back home. Its not like you'd feel like this all the time. There aren't a lot of free TIME in this god forsaken country, here you just run run run. Still it catches you off-guard sometimes when you are depressed to the very core. Its so off beat that you are sitting at one corner of the world sinking in depression while the people you miss so dearly are very busy at another part of the world, probably trying to make a living. The reality is just so damn hard. So fuck.ed up hard.

The words really are so true...........

Cofee house er shei adda ta aaj aar nei.....
Kothay harie gelo shonali bikel gulo......
shei aaj aar nei............

A little drop of pain.........

Extremely hurt by his families behavior towards him, he decides to walk out. Teen age emotions of a teenager, might cause hazardous results for the child as well as his/her family. When will parents understand this? Anyway,

He walks out the door wearing a normal blue pant, a t-shirt and a normal sandel with a 20 taka note in his pocket. He walks out of the area, walks out to the main road he has never been out to. He sees so many things. He watches as the police slaps a poor fruit seller and grabs his pocket and takes away the few taka he had. The kid feels horrified at such inhumanity. Feels so angry to be helpless and unable to run up and help the poor fruit seller. Feels hurt to see he has 20 taka in his pocket but that is the last bit of money he has for the coming days in God knows where he will be, and that he cannot give any money to the poor guy.

He walks on, walks past the slums of the airport. Watches a bunch of guys all sitting around smoking and drinking something in the midst of the slums. He watches with horror as one of those bad looking guys grab a girl of the slum by the arms and takes her inside the little hut. He stops, trying to understand what is going on. He watches with horror as another guy walks in the hut and he hears the cry of the girl as he catches a glimpse of her being stripped off her clothes by force, by the first evil man. He feels horrified and runs back not knowing what to do or how to save the girl from crying or getting beaten. He runs and runs back to where he saw the policeman. He finds them at a tea stall drinking tea. He runs up to them and tells them, "Sir, please hurry! Some guys over there in the airport slums are hurting a girl." One of the policeman looks at him and yells at him, "tor boin lage?" He says "no." "tor ma lage na tor magi lage?" The Teenager is shocked. He says no again. "taile ja bhag. Ei rokom daily 2 ta 3 ta hoi. Naile magi gula line e thake na!"
He stands there horrified at their reply, not knowing what to do, what to say.

A few minutes later he walks away from there, hurt to his soul at these horrific incidents. He walks on thinking this is humanity? This is my country and it's people? He walks on and on through the roads not knowing where he wants to go as he has no destination. He feels sick to his stomach by peoples attitude and the harsh life he has just seen. The burning sun falls towards the west and the weather seems to cool down a bit. Tired from his long walk he looks around him and finds some trees and a little clearing on his left. He goes through the half broken gate and sits down on the trunk of a tree. He sits thee idly as so many poor beggars and day laborers come through the gate and vanish into the trees. He assumes there must be a illegal slum here somewhere. He sits there and soon starts to drift into sleep, suddenly when he wakes up to a little voice. He opens his eyes to see a little girl of 5 or 6 standing before him. The little girls asks him "sir, sara din khai nai, 2 ta teka den na sir?" The girl must have thought he has money looking at his dress and sandels. He feels numb as to not knowing what to do. He had only 14 taka left as he ate 2 singara and one cup of tea during the day time. Still he didn't know what lies ahead in his fortune as he never wants to go back home and he has only 14 taka in his pocket. He feels greatly shamed as he lies to the girl.....Stand here, let me get change from the cigarette seller. I'll be back. He takes off feeling shamed to his last core that he cannot give 2 taka to a little girl who is the same age of his younger sister who has not eaten a single thing the whole day. He walks on for a minute and thinks to himself! This is life? How can God be so cruel? He has always heard God is merciful and kind and so much more. Now his own observation is contradicting with what he has learned and believed so far. Were those all lies which his teachers, his parents, his grandparents have taught him? If those were true then what he is watching can these be lie? Is he gonna be the same as the all the others and just walk away from the little girl?

NO! He decides as he turns back! He is not gonna be like the rest of those human named beast. He runs as fast as he could, thinking how the girl would smile happily when he gives her the whole 14 taka's! He sprints to the place and stops with a shock. His heart pounds in his chest as he watches the empty tree trunk. The girl was gone. He stands there totally numb, tears sliding past the eyes. The little girl whom he gave words that he will be back was gone! He just stands. He stands there silently..................

Mystic river..............

Sitting on the clouds floating and floating,

my heart beats, it beats to the rhythm of the wind.

I fly through the seven skies,

into a world that has never been seen.

A world of mist that has an entrance but no door to leave.

The mind dazzles with the beam of light,

the shining colors that seep through...

playing games with your eyes,

making you drown into fantasies,

fantasies we build within our mind...........

what is to live and what is to die

is a question that no one can bind.

For we know,

death is the door to this mystic land.....

where the glittering stars show you the path;

only to make you get lost again,

in this mysterious maze!

This is the land of mystic river

where your pains flow away,

but you can only enter,

never can you go away......

The beginning....................

The rain drops down, flowing down the head, rasping the hair, dripping drop by drop on the closed eyelids to make a tingling sensation, only to make you shiver in an exotic feeling, something you cannot describe, you can only feel.

The water rushes down the cheeks past the neck dripping, rushing, sliding....making snake paths down your body only to give you the chills! The shiver running up and down your spine makes you feel brutal pleasure and the naked raw truth.........it is painful yet beautiful to be........alive!!