A rainy night................

I have always had this fantasy about rain, night and solitude. Maybe from reading the series Kuasha or something I dun know what actually, but I always picture this Dark rainy night where I walk on an empty street. No one to be seen anywhere near by! Every one has taken their shelter for the night. Yet here I am walking by myself to an unknown destination. I walk alone in the dark night, raindrops making a sweet rhythmic sound all around me. I keep on walking; wet, soaked and satisfied. Satisfied to the very core of myself. I don’t know why I am satisfied, I dun know why I feel so free and one with the nature, but I do. I walk on as memories flash back in my head, memories of pain, and memories of joy. They crowd in my head as I try to shrug them off and concentrate on the silent absolute beauty of this queer night. A night of rain and solitude. 

Did you ever think why rain makes us feel lonely and depressed? Did you ever try to understand the inner meaning of this feeling? This is something much deeper then our life. This is something I search for. Why? I mean why this feeling of loneliness? Why does it affect some of us so much while others dun even know about this feeling? As soon as I see the rain and everything becoming silent except for the rhythmic sound of raindrops I become someone else, my mind seems to float away somewhere far. An unknown feeling towers over me. I feel as if I’m detached from this whole world and my heart feels so empty and thirsty. It feels as if even all the rain drops cannot fill the emptiness within me. I feel the endless search of something I want, except for the fact I do not know what it is that I want. I just know something is out there that I crave for, something that my whole being is eagerly waiting for. Only that I do not know what it is. I also feel the need of someone beside me who’d listen to the sweet jingling sound of the rain with me, who’d feel the same way I do, who’d be there beside me. Someone who doesn’t need to talk to me, someone who can just look into my eyes and understand me and my thoughts. Someone who’d just be there with me holding my hands leaning her head on my shoulder just as if to say, I’m here. Who’d sit beside me and try to solve this endless mystery about the raindrops and the pain that floats through it. 

Many people might say this guy is so stupid and dumb. Look at him whining about these craps. Well, I dun know what to tell them, I mean these feelings are something I feel. I cannot help it. Maybe the person who is laughing doesn’t feel it, but I do! There is a bangla term “Oparthib”, meaning something that doesn’t belong to this world, something much higher then our regular dimensions. I can also call this unknown feeling as Oparthib since it is something I cannot explain………it is something I just feel..…it is..…a raindrop for every tear….

Friends............

As they left the six keys to the apartment on the table and the end credits started rolling, I felt numb. The season finale just left me blank! A feeling so unexpected and unknown. I didn't know it would make me feel this way. It made me feel very happy to see the ones who were meant to be together finally ended up together after 8 long years, but I also felt the emptiness of that room and the severe pain of departing from those friends who are so close to your heart. With whom your have spent a good 10-15 years of your life. With friends whom you shared countless days of laughter, days of sorrow and the queer experiences you've endured together.

It actually comes to you when you sit down quietly on a lazy rainy day and become nostalgic. You may feel this deep unknown emptiness inside you that something is missing, as if you've drifted far far away from something precious. Something you love with your life, something you could never just get over. No! I am not talking about love. Love is just a one way road to a complex world of pain and happiness. This is something totally different. This is about a person and their best friends and the sweetest word on earth which is Friendship. How sad and unfortunate that life gives you something so wonderful and then life itself takes it away as you grow up and the real world kicks in.

As a young child I never really understood the meaning of the song "cofee house er adda" when my mom/elders used to listen to it. But I guess life had a different plan for me. I understood it the hard way. First I was stripped off from my childhood friends to come abroad. I over came that easily as the feeling of friendship wasn't that deep back then. I had moved to Canada. Time went by, but history was on repeat mode. I was sent back home in Grade 7. I missed the little girl I used to hang out with at lunch. Yes it did hurt a little, but I didn't have a lot of friends to cry over. But the last episode of moving back to Canada Hurt. It hurt real bad. It was probably a foolish emotion, but to someone who's life had been built up around these friends, who never had a family life like other normal people, it was a very big blow.....it's one of those things that can't be explained. 

Seeing those six keys lying on the table pricked me in the heart; totally threw me off guard. I miss them. I miss those amazing friends and those unbelievable moments. I had made my choice and left for the road of MY LIFE just like the way they did. Just the way 2 of them moved out of the city, two of them got back together, one happily married and one left the way he was.

On bad days like these we sit down depressed and lonely, knowing not what to do and specially here abroad you sit down in your room, staring blankly at the pc or the Tv or try to drown yourself in alcohol. If none of them works you probably smoke your lungs out! I still get lost when I take a trip down memory lane, when I hear those songs that we rocked back home. Its not like you'd feel like this all the time. There aren't a lot of free TIME in this god forsaken country, here you just run run run. Still it catches you off-guard sometimes when you are depressed to the very core. Its so off beat that you are sitting at one corner of the world sinking in depression while the people you miss so dearly are very busy at another part of the world, probably trying to make a living. The reality is just so damn hard. So fuck.ed up hard.

The words really are so true...........

Cofee house er shei adda ta aaj aar nei.....
Kothay harie gelo shonali bikel gulo......
shei aaj aar nei............

A little drop of pain.........

Extremely hurt by his families behavior towards him, he decides to walk out. Teen age emotions of a teenager, might cause hazardous results for the child as well as his/her family. When will parents understand this? Anyway,

He walks out the door wearing a normal blue pant, a t-shirt and a normal sandel with a 20 taka note in his pocket. He walks out of the area, walks out to the main road he has never been out to. He sees so many things. He watches as the police slaps a poor fruit seller and grabs his pocket and takes away the few taka he had. The kid feels horrified at such inhumanity. Feels so angry to be helpless and unable to run up and help the poor fruit seller. Feels hurt to see he has 20 taka in his pocket but that is the last bit of money he has for the coming days in God knows where he will be, and that he cannot give any money to the poor guy.

He walks on, walks past the slums of the airport. Watches a bunch of guys all sitting around smoking and drinking something in the midst of the slums. He watches with horror as one of those bad looking guys grab a girl of the slum by the arms and takes her inside the little hut. He stops, trying to understand what is going on. He watches with horror as another guy walks in the hut and he hears the cry of the girl as he catches a glimpse of her being stripped off her clothes by force, by the first evil man. He feels horrified and runs back not knowing what to do or how to save the girl from crying or getting beaten. He runs and runs back to where he saw the policeman. He finds them at a tea stall drinking tea. He runs up to them and tells them, "Sir, please hurry! Some guys over there in the airport slums are hurting a girl." One of the policeman looks at him and yells at him, "tor boin lage?" He says "no." "tor ma lage na tor magi lage?" The Teenager is shocked. He says no again. "taile ja bhag. Ei rokom daily 2 ta 3 ta hoi. Naile magi gula line e thake na!"
He stands there horrified at their reply, not knowing what to do, what to say.

A few minutes later he walks away from there, hurt to his soul at these horrific incidents. He walks on thinking this is humanity? This is my country and it's people? He walks on and on through the roads not knowing where he wants to go as he has no destination. He feels sick to his stomach by peoples attitude and the harsh life he has just seen. The burning sun falls towards the west and the weather seems to cool down a bit. Tired from his long walk he looks around him and finds some trees and a little clearing on his left. He goes through the half broken gate and sits down on the trunk of a tree. He sits thee idly as so many poor beggars and day laborers come through the gate and vanish into the trees. He assumes there must be a illegal slum here somewhere. He sits there and soon starts to drift into sleep, suddenly when he wakes up to a little voice. He opens his eyes to see a little girl of 5 or 6 standing before him. The little girls asks him "sir, sara din khai nai, 2 ta teka den na sir?" The girl must have thought he has money looking at his dress and sandels. He feels numb as to not knowing what to do. He had only 14 taka left as he ate 2 singara and one cup of tea during the day time. Still he didn't know what lies ahead in his fortune as he never wants to go back home and he has only 14 taka in his pocket. He feels greatly shamed as he lies to the girl.....Stand here, let me get change from the cigarette seller. I'll be back. He takes off feeling shamed to his last core that he cannot give 2 taka to a little girl who is the same age of his younger sister who has not eaten a single thing the whole day. He walks on for a minute and thinks to himself! This is life? How can God be so cruel? He has always heard God is merciful and kind and so much more. Now his own observation is contradicting with what he has learned and believed so far. Were those all lies which his teachers, his parents, his grandparents have taught him? If those were true then what he is watching can these be lie? Is he gonna be the same as the all the others and just walk away from the little girl?

NO! He decides as he turns back! He is not gonna be like the rest of those human named beast. He runs as fast as he could, thinking how the girl would smile happily when he gives her the whole 14 taka's! He sprints to the place and stops with a shock. His heart pounds in his chest as he watches the empty tree trunk. The girl was gone. He stands there totally numb, tears sliding past the eyes. The little girl whom he gave words that he will be back was gone! He just stands. He stands there silently..................

Mystic river..............

Sitting on the clouds floating and floating,

my heart beats, it beats to the rhythm of the wind.

I fly through the seven skies,

into a world that has never been seen.

A world of mist that has an entrance but no door to leave.

The mind dazzles with the beam of light,

the shining colors that seep through...

playing games with your eyes,

making you drown into fantasies,

fantasies we build within our mind...........

what is to live and what is to die

is a question that no one can bind.

For we know,

death is the door to this mystic land.....

where the glittering stars show you the path;

only to make you get lost again,

in this mysterious maze!

This is the land of mystic river

where your pains flow away,

but you can only enter,

never can you go away......

The beginning....................

The rain drops down, flowing down the head, rasping the hair, dripping drop by drop on the closed eyelids to make a tingling sensation, only to make you shiver in an exotic feeling, something you cannot describe, you can only feel.

The water rushes down the cheeks past the neck dripping, rushing, sliding....making snake paths down your body only to give you the chills! The shiver running up and down your spine makes you feel brutal pleasure and the naked raw truth.........it is painful yet beautiful to be........alive!!