Nobody......

I love mind boggling, mind fucking movies. Its what my friend Tamar would say "Mind effing movie." Its a whole new genre of psychological thrillers. Most people would talk about "Inception" or probably "Shutter Island" which are more commercial in their approach and style when going in depth of psychology. Movies like Donny Darko are the pioneers when it comes to mind bending movies but for someone who had a steady head after watching Eternal sunshine of the Spotless Mind knows what Mind fucking is all about. Mr. Nobody is nothing less. Its a complex maze of choices and flashbacks. 

It makes me wonder how it would have been to have lived a life like him. There are moments in our life when we find ourselves at cross roads. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. and of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn back and go back. But to be able to experience all those difference paths that could have been......I know its gonna contradict my choice of never pursuing the term what could have been, but oh well. Its a very interesting idea nonetheless. 

Its all about choices in life, the path we choose. It could be to live a miserable life being stuck with the past, like Elise. Or it could be a life of compromise like the life with Jean. Or it could be a hard life filled with agonizing frustrations and coincidences like Anna's life. But its that tiny light called hope and belief, which led her to her Nemo. She found her Nemo after all. That's the magic of life, the magic of uncertainty & time.............

TBC (someday)

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud,
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-- William Ernest Henley

Change of moments........

One of the hardest thing in life is to deal with life's changes and the way you feel, knowing it will hurt the ones who loves you yet you can't correct your inner most feelings from where flows the love, the joy, the sorrow, the passion. The passion and weakness of the heart that generates love and likeness for others.

We dream about a perfect life, some gain it very easily, some don't. What is it that controls our emotions and the way we feel? Is it us ourselves or is it a fate that lies beyond our reach....smiling at our adolescent tries and wishes to make life go the way we want to. Or is it god and his ways with our life?

Time flows away in its unrestrained motion, twisting turning human lives. Pity on those who had dreamed of a perfect life....just to see it going away...with nothing to do but wish...it would come back and everything would go back to normal. What marks our moments? It is that one single instant when everything goes blue and we rise from the shadows of our own despair and weirdness to realize here I am again....not a step forward.....not a step back.

Those who hate without understanding what it is that made the moment go away, will never find the answers which the lost ones are searching; right beneath their hatred. Living a life full of guilt...but still no where near the answers, no where near the cause.

Strange how Love turns into hate with little little droplets of annoyance and anger. Maybe he will find the answers one day, but might that be too late...might that day be there when what he wanted the most had come to him and the change in moments had drifted him miles apart.

Torn..........

As I walk along the rusty long road..

I feel the sweet feeling of water dripping...

down my chin, down my body, sending chills...

it does not amaze me, coz it brings back memories...

memories that haunt me, memories that tear me apart...

those laughter, those kiss in the rain....

sending shivers down my soul...deep deep down...

I only burn and die a little more every second....

my only companion is the bittersweet ever lasting pain.

Over n over you've relayed about the other....

making me feel so low that I wish I never existed...

Hath I so little space in you, hath I so cheap...

why can't I be as strong as u, why am I so insane?

Broken down, I'm already torn....fading out every moment..

I gather the pieces and come to u with a damaged heart..

mending the pieces that hath fallen out...how it tears apart again...

one day u'll come...maybe?....I just won't be there...

Forgive me coz I'll Probably be too far gone by then....

I have no name, I have no identity...I have nothing....

I'm just and nameless image that is thrown away some day....

I feel pain within me....maybe for no reason....maybe for right...

but it hurts, in ways one can ever imagine....

it hurts in ways one can never imagine.....

Chaos theory.............

Flow away with the moments...that moment will come to you only once. Live the joy, swim through the pain.....the world will throw dirt at you, it will shower you with flowers.....in the end find the true meaning of life....choose how you want to live....choose what makes you happier...choose what will bring a smile on your face to wake up and see the sun shine.....choose what will make you feel loved at the dawn when all goes blank....choose that what you hold close to your heart....pain will come and will fade with time....but don't fool yourself from what this heart of yours desire.

Greater inner feelings.........

 She had cystic fibrosis. he didn't know. They came close, slept together and then fell in love. Lol. Quite opposite of the way love is supposed to happen eh? Who cares, love does not have to follow any set of rules does it? No one can say that they are gonna look into some unknown person for the first time and fall in love as in love at first sight. This is the magic of life...that it is uncertain. You cannot predict what future holds for you, you have to flow on with the waves and make your own decision. Love is a very unpredictable matter. You do not known when it is that your chest will feel that tiny sting to see someone special cry. Or that giant leap in your heart to hear that special laugh or that beautiful smile of that person. It just happens. Many of us create love which may seem to be real and going on in smooth pace, but the truth is....they do not even know what love is. Many of us see a girl or a guy and think I like this person so much, I cannot stay without them and so on, but the differences fall apart on most cases after a couple of months. The real beauty of true love is when you connect, it might be over the years as you go to school with someone, it might be years at work being friends with your soul mate, or it might be a sudden burst of feelings in your chest in a very short time. Who can define it perfectly? No one! it is how two souls connect, it how two person enlighten their world and finds it impossible to live without each other. It is something that wakes you up in the middle of the night and makes you smile to see that person right next to you. it is something that fills your total being with joy every second to know that person is yours and yours only. It is something that makes you wonder in the busiest time of the day....hey what is he or she doing at this moment? Are they missing me? let's perhaps give them a call and bug them and say something naughty. Its that perfect smile on your face when you think about the crazy times you shared. Its that rhythm that beats in your chest when it is time to go home and the sweetness of the thought of going back to him or her. Its that warm dangling feeling that rushes through your body when you are close to her or him and you are about to pull them in your arms and kiss them. That sweet heavenly touch on those lips. Maybe I am wrong, but it certainly is some bits of the whole mysterious term "Love". So as I was sayin, love has no boundaries it has no rules. You may fall in love today, you may fall in love tomorrow, it might be any day you never know. For some its very easy and simple while it is very complex and complicated for others. Every human being is unique in their thoughts, some may fall in love only once, while others may fall many times. It is very hard to determine which one is real love and which one is just a crush. Many many many people suffer from it, so have I some times. But it is your heart that tells you....oh o buddy. You cannot bring that feeling in me, I don't feel it...sorry!!! We have forgotten to listen to our heart, and the brain and logics have overcome the power of heart and how it soothed our life with comfort and joy. We have gotten accustomed to listen to what circumstances and environment around us tell us. Sigh! What a wrong way to live. O well, it all depends on person to person and how they want to lead their life. Lol! Lost my trail again. Where was I?

They fell in love, they were living together as roommates before anything happened between them. She amused him, she was so full of life. She made him happy although he had vowed to never pursuit happiness. He was set in his perfect little life, waking up..going to work....drive the expensive car, career and then coming back home to relax by himself. He dated once in a while in search of a person to share his life with, he just didn't know what it is that he likes, he saw many girls, they had talked at dinners, him the date, his buddy and his wife. He just couldn't find the person he wanted. Then she lit up his life with fireworks and joy. She followed her heart and did what she wanted to do, why? Life was unfortunately very short for her. Her illness was fatal and she could die anytime within the next 10 years. She hid it from him, afraid that he will turn her down and give more importance to her being sick and abandon her. So he didn't know. Life was moving at a faster pace as they both fell deeper and deeper in love. But she had to go for check up once in a while and stay over night at the clinic while they re tuned her and gave her medication and therapy. There was no cure for her illness yet. Funny thing I saw is while she was gone he did not know where she had gone. The first time they had talked about it and he asked her to tell her before she ever goes anywhere, so that he knows. She had to go again and there I see him twisting and turning in his bed trying to sleep...but he couldn't. He was missing her with everything. Not for the sex but also the comfort in your heart, the deeper emotion of love and worry for her altogether acting on him. Same thing the next day, came back from work...tried to see tv..tried to read a book...keeping his ears alert to see if she comes back any time soon. He missed her tremendously as I miss her at this very moment. He turned on the commercial she acted on...and played it over and over as he could hear her voice by that...the same way I listen to her voice mail sometimes...........

Then he came to know that she has cystic fibrosis, she will not live long, maybe another 10 years most. At first he was furious to know that she had hidden it from him breaking the first rule they made stating Be Honest to each other on every aspects of life. He was hurt and angry and hurt her too by the instant angry outburst. She moved out heart broken the same way he was broken and torn down. His friends, dad told him to forget her cause she hid the truth and that she won't be alive much longer. Same way her friends, family told her to forget him as he was just another day to day asshole who should be left alone. Time passed by inflicting sheer pain and loneliness between them. He missed her touch in every bit of his life, he missed her smile, her craziness, her will to live life freely and as much as they can with the moments they lived. He missed her as he woke up and he missed her as he took his distressed body to bed to sleep. Every moment was so much inter wined with her touch, he was left to go crazy the same way she was about to shatter in loneliness and extreme agony. He made up his mind and decided that he cannot live another second without her be it for a day a month or a year that she was alive. He searched through out everything to find her. She was not found, he kept on searching and searching and one day she came to know of his search. Then as he was coming out of his office he saw her.....that same pretty and naughty face. that same smile...there she was waiting for him. He went up and expressed his heartfelt sorry to her. She took him in her arms, knowing she had done wrong just as much as he had too. Love is more precious then personal grudges, anger and the feeling of I am right. Why not live the few years in full with the one that the heart desires, the one that beats in your heart every second. The one that lives in your every breath. Utmost respect to these two who vowed to fight the world and the people cause they were happy together and they loved each other so deeply.

my december

this is only mine!

A snowy night........

Started off the night at a friends place, nice little cozy adda. Some yummy food and drinks. Then off to our battle of cricket 2007. Haha, apparently even after not playing for so long I still rock. So, kicked the shit out of them in all the matches. Then started our endless mission to beat Ac Milan in the hardest level of FIFA 2008. Oh man, it was a damn good time with all the cursing and yelling at each other for wrong passes and wrong shots. Literally beat up the friend who was dealing the defense coz he wasn't serious at first. lol! Then finally a good team play paid off as we held on to the lead in the final match of a 3-2 goals win.


Then as I realized it was super late, I looked outside and all I could see is a white moving wall. Oh ya, it was snowing cats n dogs. Even more then that. I didn't know about the snow storm warning as I didn't get to check in the morning. Friends were telling me over n over not to go in such storm. But My own sweet sexy bed at home was calling me with such thrilling seductive voice. So I told them, no dude. I'm gone. I will fight the storm tonight. So off I go down hoping I can call in a cab, foolish me. It was blinding white blizzard goin on outside. No taxi company had their call center line free. SO what to do, lit up the ciggy and smoked till my whole body was literally covered with snow. So off I went to the road shaking off the initial snow from my shoulders n head. Started waling, no Taxi anywhere to be seen. It was awesome. it was brilliant. I never thought it'd be so much fun walking down the roads at 3:30 in the night with havoc type snow storm on the head.


So I kept on walking and came to the Tim Hortons coffee shop where me n my friends used to come at 2/3/4/5 in the night/morning just to drink cofee/choc. Went in and bought a cup of hot chocolate. Saw the Bangladeshi girl working there just like other nights. So took the hot choco from her and asked her...accha, bangali meye ra erokom mood dekhai keno deshi chele dekhle? Problem ta ki? She was puzzled to be asked such strange question at the middle of the night from me. It was 100 % worth it to see her puzzled face. She replied after a while, "I don't know". I shrugged my shoulders said goodnite to her and walked out. Lit another ciggy and took sips from the hot chocolate. It felt good, damn good as the hot liquid rolled down my throat and started warming up my body inside while the outside part of my body were still frozen. Then I continued my long journey back to home in the most bizzare and fun snow storm I have ever been in. The foot was going down through the layer of snow, down to 5-7 inches. Oh ya, it was a whole lot of snow I had to walk over; in the 10 blocks I walked back to my place. But was it fun? Oh hell ya....it was an amazing feeling.


Some may call it craziness, I call it life. This is the beauty of single life. You can do the craziest shit while there is none to object. No one to be concerned or angry! :D


Met couple of interesting chiria on the way. Lol! They were funny. Sat down beside the road on the snow, talked & laughed with them for a while over the crazy snow, weather and life. Then took off from there as it was very Hot at that moment ( (yn) ). lols! Reached home at about 4:25. One fun n interesting night coming to an end. Now finishing off this scrap before submitting myself to my sesky bed & my lovely kol balish.


Life is fun I guess, if you know where to look. (i)

Her..........

I dream of her!
"Who? Do you know her, have you seen her?"
No! "Then?" Then what? I just dream! There are no bindings in dream, is there? You are free to dream.

"Well, Just because you can dream doesn't mean you have to become insane about some unknown girl." Who told you she is unknown? I know her. "How? You just said you don't know her."
Umm, I don't know her in real life, but I know how she is.
"Do you think you make any sense?" Do you think I care?
"Shouldn't you? I mean you dream of this girl you haven't met, you haven't seen, you don't even know how she looks....then how the hell can you dream of her?"
I know how she looks, alright? "Okay fine tell me about her then."
Mmmmm, she is a simple girl, has no extra feature in her. She has dimples in her cheek, black smooth long hair playing behind her. As the gentle breeze sweeps by you can almost smell the sweet fragrance of her hair! "And?"
What do you mean and? If you wanna hear more then......the most beautiful part of her is her eyes. Gentle dreamy eyes. You can just look into them and be lost within. The calm and quiet eyes that glitter with questions at times. At times they smile, at times they cry. She talks in a quiet voice, when you hear it you can almost feel sweet music ringling in your ears.
She has a strength hidden under that weak structure of hers. She spreads her wings around you when you are down. She sits and looks into your eyes....pouring out the love from her heart when you are broken n hurt. "Yeah yeah, w/e!"
At times when she is sad and sits at the balcony by herself looking up at the moon & when you see that you can feel your heart being ripped apart by pain. Why is she sad? How can I comfort her? How can I tell her how painful it is to see her in such a depressed state? "Yo, you are really being so dramatic."
When I see her lying on the bed next to me and see her in the shadowy darkness I feel blessed to have her with me, to have her love, to be the one to love her. "And I thought you didn't even see her! Duhhh me! Okay nuff fooling me! Who is she, someone you met at school?"
Each time she flicks that sweet smile of hers at me I feel Pain! Terrible pain in my chest! "You have high blood pressure." Its not a pain of sorrow, rather its a pain caused by extreme joy. Ek odbhut sukhokor betha! I just can't explain.
When I take a walk with her in the moon lit night in between the trees I feel I'm lost into another world of tranquil serenity. "You Are really lost man, you are saying the same word twice."
When we sit at our balcony on a rainy day with a cup of hot chocolate and watch the rain drops, hand in hand do you know how I feel? "How?"
I feel as if I am not alive. I feel as if I am dreaming. "Hold on a sec....I thought we WERE talking about a dream, no?"
We are! Its a dream within a dream. "Whoaa? So what happens next?"
Nothing much! We sit at the top of the hill sometimes in the evening.....as the sun goes down we feel something deep inside us, something we cannot explain, we sit together so close, but still a mysterious depression towers over us. Maybe it's the nature, maybe this is how it is when night falls.
"Alright man, thats it, I know what you need. You need a Doc. Seriously dude I just don't get what the hell you are talking about! I don't understand!"

*silence.............

Trust me my friend, you never will.

A queer & beautiful night..............

Only two or three rays of light can be seen. One of them goes out too. Its very dark & quiet inside, no other sound then the hum of the engine. Most of them are asleep I guess? Or maybe not. Well, who cares anyway!

If you try to feel it then you can understand that we are running at 100 Km/hr. I look outside....nothing comes to my sight except for a blur and coal black night. Once in a while you can see one or two lights far away...some barn of a countryside farmhouse. I try to concentrate on the bangla novel in my hand but feel it waste of energy to read in the little light. So I join the others and turn off the light. I look outside as I listen to the songs from one of the latest gadgets that is taking over the world>>iPod! I feel bored. I just lay my head back and enjoy the peaceful silence and serenity.

Then suddenly out of no where peeks out the beauty of the night....the whitish mysterious natural satellite of our beloved planet earth. Ya it is the moon, or you may call it Luna. I look up to it and try to remember all things I have heard about it....the myths. The fairy tales our grandma used to tell about it. The tasteless info's we read about it in our elementary school, everything. They just flow through my head in a flash, but I actually don't even bother to look at them. I was enjoying the present environment more. I keep on staring at the silent infinite beauty of Luna. I don't think I ever spent this much time thinking and watching the moon. Maybe it was the current situation of me not doing anything rather then just sitting there in a relaxed mood.
I sit there and feel my heart beating slowly and steadily, every core of my being was filled with some kinda satisfaction or peace. It couldn't get any better then that. I was in the middle of nowhere, moving at 100 Km/hr with nothing to do, no stress, no thoughts about daily life, no work, nothing at all.

This is when it hits you. When you are all relaxed and enjoying yourself, from no where this unreasonable, unconditional, unsatisfied thought of only one stupid thing pops up in your head. What is it? Oh its that pain in the butt next door. It is called the desire of the heart. I kick it out of my head and look up at the dark sky and the glimmering stars and just say one thing......you should have been here, why did he have to take you away?

Life is too cruel. Thats it, just a moment of old pains buried in the graveyard trying to take advantage of a weak moment. I smack it out of my head and go back to the lovely night. These are moments to cherish....they come once in a while, you can grab it or you can ruin it by holding on to pain and suffer. I chose the first one.

It wasn't long. That one hour just flew away like a flash as the interstate bus came back on the local highway. I loved that one hour journey in the north end highway where there are no lights. As the bus reached its destination ending the 3 hour journey, I came back to the shitty busy city life.


Moral: Some moments are precious, doesn't matter how small it is. Cherish it while it lasts.